he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
