So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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