if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Randomize
