My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
