the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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