And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
