i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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