I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
