You smell like stripper and shame
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
