I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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