my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
