shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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