You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
