The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
