dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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