he shaved USA in his pubs
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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