look no pants
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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