my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
