I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
