today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
