Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize