I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
