I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
