I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
