I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
