I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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