I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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