I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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