Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we made out on top of his cat.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
