I feel great
I just peed on a car
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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