3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
