i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
