he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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