Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
