She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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