Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
