Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
