I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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