I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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