Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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