I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
