More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
