i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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