Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
