Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
