it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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