Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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