Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
