For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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