Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
