Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
