Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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