At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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