Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
3pm strippers are depressing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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