You just made me feel so damn special
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
