OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think i peed on brittanys purse
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize