Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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