Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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