the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
