I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
