I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
